Quotes

"“Watching him testify before Congress would be insane. He’d go on all sorts of insane rants and attack people. It would be like casting an actual lion in ‘The Lion King.’” "
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- Seth Meyers, on Donald Trump
""As far as ratings go, on behalf of my fellow late night talk show hosts — Jimmy, Stephen, Seth and I — we’ve been on for a total of 58 seasons and counting; your presidency got canceled after one.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, after Donald Trump claimed to have "destroyed the ratings" of late night shows
""Even though Trump is theoretically supposed to be there to campaign for other candidates, he always without exception makes it about himself. He’s like the best man at a wedding who gives a drunken toast about how awesome he is.”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“Happy concussion season football fans! It sure feels like this sport maybe shouldn’t exist.”"
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- John Oliver
""The president canceled student loan debt and now he’s pardoning people for weed. I think Biden’s going to be able to get into any frat he wants right now.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“The home run ball itself is thought to be worth at least $2 million, and it was caught by an investment banker. Huge moment for the Yankees and an investment banker. What a night for the underdogs, you know?” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"The lawsuit takes issue with CNN’s use of the words ‘racist’ and ‘insurrectionist’ when discussing Trump. I don’t want to help Trump in this lawsuit, but CNN also called him a billionaire.” "
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- James Corden
"“At a fishing tournament in Cleveland on Friday, a duo that had been declared winners were caught cheating. Of course, this was fishing, so after they were caught, they were released.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
""If you’re ever looking for a missing artifact, nine times out of 10, it’s in the British Museum. It’s basically the world’s largest Lost and Found, with both ‘lost’ and ‘found’ in the heaviest possible quotation marks there.”"
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- John Oliver, slamming museums for stealing artifacts
"“I’ve never been good at goodbyes. It’s not instant. I’m not disappearing. Don’t worry. If I owe you money, I’ll still pay you.”"
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- Trevor Noah, announcing his decision to leave "The Daily Show."
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