"“Facebook said they are going to ‘look to experts to assess whether the risk to public safety has receded.’ This is like Jurassic Park saying they’re going to ask around to see if it’s cool to let the raptors out again.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on Donald Trump's request to return to Facebook
"“Speaker Kevin McCarthy put [George Santos] on the Science Committee and the Space and Technology Committee, which makes sense because he’s the only congressman who found a cure for cancer and successfully manned a mission to Mars all this year alone.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“I don’t know what else [Tom] Brady wants to accomplish. It’s kind of like Jeff Bezos playing Mega Millions. It’s like, you already have all the money.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“I’m going to go home and get a good night’s sleep.”"
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- Tom Brady after the Buccaneers' loss to the Cowboys, when asked about his future plans
"“The White House announced today that President Biden’s aides found classified documents at several locations inside his Delaware home. And he’s had them for a while, because a lot of them have to do with the Louisiana Purchase.” "
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- Seth Meyers
""Any time documents are mishandled, top-secret documents, it needs to be taken seriously. That’s something Republicans and Democrats believe, although Republicans have only believed it since Monday.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Republicans resorting to violence on the House floor? What a perfect way to honor the two-year anniversary of Jan. 6.”"
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- James Corden
"“For my part in this, I was sick to my stomach. I lost 20 pounds. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat.""
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- Former "The Bachelor" host Chris Harrison, on the comments that led to his exit from the franchise
"“They got in a fight after William insulted Harry’s wife, Meghan Markle. Harry claims William called Meghan ‘difficult,’ ‘rude’ and ‘abrasive,’ which he probably could have saved time and just said she’s American.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""This is interesting — according to the Constitution, if they don’t have a speaker by tomorrow, the top contenders have to compete in a dance-off.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
