"“[Trump] wrote this [post] because he was upset I didn’t mention him on the show, and no one mentioned him on the show. He wasn’t getting any attention. He couldn’t stand it. And so then the Adderall McFlurry kicked in, and he went right on.” "
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- Oscars host Jimmy Kimmel
"“In 1976, Jodie Foster was young enough to play Robert De Niro’s daughter. Now she’s 20 years too old to be his girlfriend.”"
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- Oscars host Jimmy Kimmel
"“Those were all scenes from the one-woman show A Britt Much. It’s the play critics are calling, ‘Is she OK?'”"
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- SNL's Colin Jost, on Katie Britt's State of the Union rebuttal
"“Thanks to rules giving former members of Congress floor access, George Santos attended the State of the Union. Come on! You can’t just go back to your old job like you never left — unless you’re Jon Stewart. Keep it up, Jon! You’re crushing it.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
""Here’s the good news for Haley. She’s only 52, which means she can run for president at least eight more times.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""I am working really hard to not let this distract me because when I get distracted, everybody who works for me is distracted, and that’s not a good thing.” "
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- Disney CEO Bob Iger, on the frustration of the company's proxy battle
""The Supreme Court knows you can’t just let states decide who goes on their ballots. States are too busy deciding that life begins in the freezer section, next to the pearl onions.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“It’s true — and a wonderful reminder that Trump’s the only politician in D.C. during the riot who considers that to be the second worst thing to happen to him on January 6." "
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- John Oliver, on the fact that January 6 is Eric Trump's birthday
"“These proceedings have been frozen for so long they legally count as children in Alabama.""
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- Stephen Colbert, on the delays in Donald Trump's trial for plotting to overturn the 2020 election
""[Mitch} “McConnell said that it’s time for the next generation of leadership. Then he looked around the Senate and realized the next generation is 75.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
