"“Watching an elderly man sway to Vatican elevator music for 40 minutes might make you wonder, ‘Is he OK?’ And you wouldn’t be the only one, because yesterday more than 230 doctors and health care providers called on Trump to release his medical records. Do you know how hard it is to get 230 doctors to agree on anything?”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“If you’re too scared to debate again, I dare you to take a cognitive test against the vice president. Let’s see how you do. You could charge people for it if you want. Make it a pay-per-view. I will pay you $49.99 to watch that.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""I'm not the old one now, Trump is. The only difference, I know when to walk away - about six months too late!" "
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- Dana Carvey playing Joe Biden on "SNL"
"“Has anyone thought about unplugging America and plugging it back in again? ’Cause it could use a reboot.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“In a new interview with radio host Howard Stern, Vice President Kamala Harris said that she doesn’t really take naps, setting up a clear contrast with President Biden, who took one mid-debate.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“This weekend, former President Trump held a rally in Pennsylvania, and Elon Musk joined him onstage. It was exciting for all the Trump supporters because, for the first time, they got to see an actual billionaire.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“It’s like reading a ransom note and going, ‘This cursive is just so lovely. Look at the capital Y in ‘You have 24 hours before he dies.’""
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- John Oliver, on the civility of the VP debate
"“Guess if you’re Melania and you want to contradict your husband, the safest place to do it is in a book where neither he nor any of his supporters will ever see it.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Former President Trump broke a 50-year tradition for presidential candidates after he backed out of his scheduled interview with ‘60 Minutes’ because he was worried they’d fact-check him. So if you’re keeping track, Trump said that he’ll stand up to the president of China, but Lesley Stahl is a little too scary.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“In the end, it was 90 minutes of constant talk that made one thing clear: Tonight was like having Thanksgiving with your most nervous uncle and your smuggest nephew. It was unpleasant, awkward and, thankfully, you only have to do it once every four years.”"
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- Stephen Colbert, on the VP debate
