"“During his meeting today with President Trump, Chinese President Xi Jinping said that the whole world is watching their summit and added, ‘Can China and the United States overcome the Thucydides trap and create a new paradigm of major country relations?’ Then Trump asked if he could have a translator for the translator.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“Trump was joined on the trip by Elon Musk, Pete Hegseth, and his son, Eric. Even Trump was, like, ‘I got to make some new friends.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""'The Rookie' was the most streamed show among viewers under 18. Young people love 'The Rookie.' And do you know why? I’m actually asking why does anyone know why this is happening? This is like finding out tweens love Triscuits.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“I’m Seth Meyers. Or as the FCC calls me, ‘Next.’”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“The Court has been repeatedly jumping into ongoing cases to say, ‘You know what, while this works its way through the courts, Trump should get to do the thing that he wants to do anyway.' It’s basically a football referee saying, ‘Pending a final ruling on the legality of the quarterback having a gun, I’m just gonna stand back and see where he’s going with this.'”"
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- John Oliver
"“You know Trump might have taken things too far when even the pope is, like, ‘I’m having a tough time forgiving this guy.’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“They’re just renaming it. They’re treating the war like it’s HBO. They went from HBO to HBO Go to HBO Now to HBO Max to Max back to HBO Max. Although if you ask me, a much simpler name would just be, The One That Has ‘Game of Thrones.’”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“During an Oval Office signing ceremony restoring the competitive Presidential Fitness Test today in front of a group of schoolchildren, President Trump claimed that Iran would have launched a nuclear strike against the U.S. and Israel if he didn’t start the war. Said the kids, ‘Uh, is this going to be on the test?’”"
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- Seth Meyers
""If you had a Spirit flight booked over the weekend, good news — you were upgraded to not having one.” "
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- Seth Meyers
""Wait a minute – there's a WNBA for men? What would you even call that? The MNBA?""
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- SNL's Kam Patterson
