""Making jokes about the President – in America – shouldn’t win you a prize. We have the right, guaranteed by the Constitution, to criticize and satirize our leaders. That is a right I took for granted, for the first 57 years of my life, until last September, when the FCC delivered an unpleasant surprise.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, accepting his Peabody Award
"“Not only is Trump at his lowest point, he’s also two points behind JD Vance. I don’t have a joke for that. I just want to make sure he knows, he’s two points behind JD Vance.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""[Spencer Pratt and his wife Heidi Montag] spent $10 million because they believed the world was about to end in a Mayan apocalypse. And then when there wasn’t the Mayan apocalypse, they had no money and had to move into Spencer’s parents’ house. That’s the guy 22 percent of you want to be mayor of Los Angeles when the Olympics come to town.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Don Jr. and Bettina are reportedly still planning to celebrate their marriage at the White House, and the president and first lady are expected to attend that event. Well, you’d hope so, they live there. Can you imagine if they didn’t show up to that one, too? ‘We wanted to make it, but we were unable to go downstairs.’” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""The road to success is always under construction.""
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- Lily Tomlin
"“Can’t take this for granted. Though, actually technically our first show in July of 2015 was from a public-access station in Monroe, Michigan, for an audience of 12 people, and show business being what it is these days, that’s probably where you’ll see me next.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Castro is 94 years old. If he’s convicted, he’s facing a possible life sentence of six months.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Oh, really? That’s fascinating, Mr. President. You may not know this, sir, but there’s actually a special word for when the roof goes all the way down to the basement, and that word is ‘walls.’”"
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- Stephen Colbert, on Trump's saying the White House ballroom will have “a roof that goes down into the basement"
"“The president made a trip to China to see all of the factories where his America First merchandise is made. You got to check on the hats.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“What I’m doing with 'Comics Unleashed,' we don’t talk about politics. We don’t talk about anything that’s topical. We don’t do anything that’s racist or sexist or anti-Semitic or homophobic. Just be funny and don’t offend.”"
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- Byron Allen, on the show replacing "The Late Show WIth Stephen Colbert"
