Quotes

"“I don’t know, but you know the pool. It is dragging down the president’s approval ratings. It’s like a little in the low 30s now in the country and among independents, 25 percent, and 0 percent with ducks.”"
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- Bill Maher
" “'General Hospital' was everything I hoped it would be. It’s a true honor to be a small stain on the history of this illustrious show.”"
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- John Oliver, on his guest role on the daytime soap
"“There are now six hockey shows in development, none of them gay. And it’s like, guys, I think it wasn’t the hockey that was the big issue.”"
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- Comedian Joel Kim Booster, to the Providence Independent
""The [U.S. 250th Anniversary] state fair will be a lot of fun, although if you win a goldfish, I’m pretty sure I know where they got the water from.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Now anyone who’s ever owned a swimming pool or a fish tank or a bong that they never wash, will not be surprised that there’s algae in the pool. And a shallow pool like this, with a dark bottom in hot weather, is particularly hard to keep clean. I know that because half the people I follow on social media are pool experts all of a sudden.”"
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- "The Daily Show's" Josh Johnson
"“Finally, a deal with Iran and I love this deal. We got everything we wanted, except for everything we asked for.” "
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- Bill Maher
""Man, they definitely didn't want me to win." "
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- Golf club-smashing U.S. Open winner Wyndham Clark
"“Jimmy Burrows was the man behind the curtain. He knew how to make us laugh, what buttons to push and was the absolute master of getting the most out of every joke. His loss to the television comedy world is immeasurable."
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- Statement from NBC
""Apparently bars in Boston are running out of beer because of all the Scottish soccer fans in town for the World Cup. It’s a bit of a wake-up call when people from Boston are like, ‘You drink too much.’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“One shooting, four stabbings, 63 arrests, relatively low key. You know it’s funny, people worried Mayor Mamdani was going to destroy New York — no one would have guessed it would be fans of the Knicks.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
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