"“The Trump administration is reportedly in advanced talks to provide a rescue package for Spirit Airlines to help the carrier avoid liquidation. Because if Spirit Airlines goes out of business, I lose, like, half my monologue.”"
- Seth Meyers
Quotes
"“Hours after he said the U.S. military was raring to resume its bombing campaign, President Trump announced yesterday that he would extend the cease-fire with Iran. This guy gives out more mixed messages than a Los Angeles parking sign.” "
- Seth Meyers
"“F.B.I. Director Kash Patel filed a $250-million defamation lawsuit yesterday against The Atlantic magazine over an article alleging that Patel has abused alcohol. Said Patel this morning, ‘Oh man, I did?’”"
- Seth Meyers
" "The truth is, we only fought this war to get Iran to open the Strait of Hormuz, that they closed when we started this war.”"
- Jon Stewart
""While I am not against gambling per se, there is something so grim about [prediction markets] turning every aspect of our lives into a bet. Because sure, money can be won on them. But in that happening, something also gets lost.""
- John Oliver
"“If you don’t know, and you may not, a ‘just war’ is a Catholic doctrine that goes all the way back to the church fathers, St. Ambrose and St. Augustine. There are many criteria, including: It must be in self-defense once all peace efforts have failed. Only then can the war can be said to have ‘just cause.’ As opposed to Trump, who appears to have taken us to war just ’cause.” "
- Stephen Colbert
"“Lots of stores offered tax-day deals today. Krispy Kreme had a deal today where if you buy a dozen doughnuts, you get a second dozen free. I think we can all agree that there is nothing more American than paying your taxes and then eating 24 doughnuts by yourself.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“This guy teleports to all the exact places you end up when you’re blackout drunk. That’s just incredible. I mean, Tiger Woods is like, ‘Yeah, that happened to me too! I just teleported into an upside-down car.’” "
- Ronny Chieng, on FEMA official Gregg Phillips, who claims he teleported to a Waffle House
"“We have a fight between the president and the pope. The world has become a real-life episode of ‘South Park.’” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
""Before the talks fell apart, President Trump warned Iran about making any more demands, saying, 'The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards.' They’re literally holding a strait.""
- SNL's Colin Jost
CynCity
Cynsiders
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