""This whole time, Trump already knew he was in the Epstein files, which is a good reminder that if someone’s acting guilty, they’re probably guilty. No one’s ever like, ‘Don’t look at my browser history — you’ll see all the charities I volunteer for!’”"
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- Josh Johnson
""Whenever Trump is backed into a corner, he needs to change the subject and throw red meat to the carnivorous base — and their favorite cut is filet of Obama.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“We were two pretty good-sized fish in a reasonably small basic cable pond. Both of our shows reached an inflection point in 2015. Stephen chose to challenge himself by seeing if he could succeed the legendary David Letterman in, quite frankly, a much bigger pond than the one he and I had been swimming in, and I quit.” "
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- Jon Stewart
"“Stephen is one of the sharpest, funniest hosts to ever do it. I really thought I’d ride this out with him for years to come. I’m sad that my family and friends will need a new show to watch every night at 11:30. But honestly, he’s really been a gentleman and a true friend over the years, going back to 'The Colbert Report,' and I’m sure whatever he does next will be just as brilliant.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“I do want to say that the folks at CBS have been great partners. I’m so grateful to the Tiffany network for giving me this chair and this beautiful theater to call home. And of course I’m grateful to you, the audience, who have joined us every night in here, out there, all around the world, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. I’m grateful to share the stage with this band, these artists over here every night. And I am extraordinarily, deeply grateful to the 200 people who work here.”"
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- Stephen Colbert, on the cancellation of "The Late Show"
""The big story today is that Trump lashed out at his own supporters who are criticizing him over the Epstein files, calling them ‘weaklings who have bought into B.S. hook, line and sinker.’ Trump hasn’t been this mad at the people he loved since McDonald’s introduced salads.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""Epstein’s infamous little black book included 14 different numbers for Trump and his representatives. I mean, he had 14 separate ways to contact Donald Trump. I mean, when I drop my kid off at camp, I give two emergency contact numbers and one of them is fake because I don’t need that hassle.”"
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- Jordan Klepper
"“How dare you fixate on a story from the past, something Donald Trump has never done? He’s focused on the issues of today, not the 2020 election, or the Russia investigation, or Hunter Biden’s laptop, or Hillary Clinton’s email server, Joe Biden’s autopen, or Rosie O’Donnell making fun of him, or his ratings for ‘The Apprentice,’ which ended in 2015.”"
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- Seth Meyers
" "We are two misunderstood people who understand each other.""
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- Bryan Arenales, to season 7 "Love Island" partner Amaya Espinal
"“Is this really a threat, though? What, you’re going to hit his navel with a small drone? Like, Iran went from building a nuclear bomb to ‘We’re going to turn his outie into an innie.’”"
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- Ronny Chieng, on Iran's threat to hit a sunbathing President Trump in the navel with a drone
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