Quotes
" “O.J. Simpson died this week at the age of 76 after a battle with prostate cancer that was planted on him by the L.A.P.D.”"
- SNL's Michael Che
"You know what they say: If at first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth or tenth you don't succeed, cry, cry again."
- Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, forget the old saying 'April showers bring May flowers,' because from now on it's 'April trials bring me smiles.'"
- Stephen Colbert
"“It was quite a sight, and if you’re excited about the eclipse and the sky turning totally black, wait ’til you hear about nighttime.”"
- Jimmy Kimmel
""At a campaign rally, former President Trump said he would debate President Biden any time, any place. And then he pointed to an empty podium on the stage. And now Trump and Biden are both polling 80 points behind the podium.""
- SNL's Colin Jost
"“It’s really exciting because we haven’t had total darkness outside since November through March.”"
- Jimmy Fallon, on the solar eclipse
"“We have just learned that the White House has directed NASA to create a time standard for the moon. Though, obviously, they’re going to need two: Moon Standard and Moonlight Savings Time.”"
- Stephen Colbert
"“Donald Trump thinks a gag order is what Melania does when she sees him get out of the hot tub.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
""Truth Social stock tanked so fast, they’re changing the name to Twitter.”"
- Jimmy Fallon
"“That is a man who talks non-stop about how he’s one of the richest men on Earth, begging strangers for money in a hostage video that looks that it was filmed in a house haunted by the world’s tackiest ghosts.""
- John Oliver, on Donald Trump
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