"“He posted this, I think this is interesting, at 12:49 a.m., 11 minutes after the show ended on the East Coast. Which is nice, he watches us live. Hi, Mr. President! How are you? Thanks for watching us on TV instead of on YouTube, we appreciate that. And I’ll tell you, it’s viewers like you who keep us on the air, ironically.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“We are now one step closer to answering the question, ‘What did the president know, and how old were these women when he knew it?’” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“The crown prince did address the murder. He said, ‘We’ve improved our system to be sure that nothing happened like that. It’s painful and it’s a huge mistake and we’re doing our best that this doesn’t happen again.’ Doing their best to make sure it doesn’t happen again. This is not what you say about a murder. This is what the manager of Jersey Mike’s says when they accidentally put pepperoni on your tuna sandwich.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“In a major reversal, President Trump called on House Republicans to release the Epstein files, saying, ‘We have nothing to hide.’ In other words, he just finished hiding everything.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“I am clearly no stranger to sharing upsetting numbers with my audience, but please do kill me if I ever start doing pedophile math.""
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- John Oliver, on Megyn Kelly's assertion that Jeffrey Epstein was not a pedophile because he was "into" teenage girls, not younger children
""We’re ready to go as long as they want to.""
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- Disney CFO Hugh Johnston on the carriage dispute with YouTube TV
"“I saw that Trump just floated the idea of a 50-year mortgage plan. Home buyers said, ‘That long?’ and people with student loans said, ‘That short?’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“After 40 days, senators finally agreed on a deal to end the longest government shutdown in history. Yeah. And besides every airport turning into a real-life ‘Squid Game,’ no harm done.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""If Lorne Michaels has taught us anything, it's that you never, ever give up,. Even if everyone says the time has come and Tina Fey is ready to take over.""
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- Pete Davidson, on SNL
""Frontier Airlines wants me to get a backup ticket? Respectfully, you’re the backup ticket.""
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- Jordan Klepper
