"“There was some teeny-tiny progress yesterday when Grijalva got the keys to her congressional office, which seemed like a good start. But when she got there, she found it had no internet, no phone lines and no computers. Honestly? Dream office.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“The photographer for Time could not be reached for comment. He is currently en route to El Salvador.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on Time's unflattering cover photo of President Trump
"“Credit where credit is due: Donald Trump did something good. Are we still canceled?” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“It’s always a dream come true to be here. I remember watching the show in the ’70s, sitting in my house in Burlington, Massachusetts thinking, ‘I want to be an actress someday, at least until they invent an AI actress who’s funnier and willing to do full frontal.'”"
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- SNL host Amy Poehler
""This is astonishing, because if this peace holds, it means the guy who couldn’t stop a fight between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf brokered peace in the Middle East.”"
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- Josh Johnson
"“One of the concerns that Democrats had about getting into this was that Trump might take the opportunity to fire a whole bunch of federal workers. He promised to do that, but according to at least one White House official, they haven’t acted on it because ‘we do not want to appear gleeful about people losing their jobs.’ Unless, of course, those people work at a late-night talk show — in which case, it’s entirely different.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Air traffic controllers are considered to be essential workers, which means they are required to work even if they aren’t getting paid. Meanwhile, Congress, the people who actually shut the government down, are getting paid in full. Don’t even try to make sense of it. The logic doesn’t fly, and I would recommend that you don’t either, at least for quite a while.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“At this point, finding a toenail in your salad has a seven-point lead over Donald Trump.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“The NFL 'controversially' gave the Super Bowl Halftime show to one of the hottest, most commercially successful people alive.""
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- John Oliver
"“No one has any idea how long it will last. People are calling it the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ of government shutdowns.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
