"“What I don’t like about Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”"
- Phyllis Diller
Quotes
"“Pope Leo is set to travel to Turkey on Thanksgiving. And, you know what, I think we’re just going to let your dad have that joke.”"
- Seth Meyers
""Our commander in chief presided over an important American tradition — the annual pardon of the turkeys. Which, at this point, are the only thing Trump hasn’t pardoned this year.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“When Mamdani was asked during a meeting in the Oval Office if he still believes President Trump is a fascist, Trump told Mamdani, ‘You could just say yes, it’s easier.’ Wait, so he can call you a fascist, but when I do it, you try to get my show canceled? What — what does he have that I don’t have? Youth? Charisma? Oh, both of those.”"
- Seth Meyers
""For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.""
- Andy Borowitz
"“He posted this, I think this is interesting, at 12:49 a.m., 11 minutes after the show ended on the East Coast. Which is nice, he watches us live. Hi, Mr. President! How are you? Thanks for watching us on TV instead of on YouTube, we appreciate that. And I’ll tell you, it’s viewers like you who keep us on the air, ironically.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“We are now one step closer to answering the question, ‘What did the president know, and how old were these women when he knew it?’” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“The crown prince did address the murder. He said, ‘We’ve improved our system to be sure that nothing happened like that. It’s painful and it’s a huge mistake and we’re doing our best that this doesn’t happen again.’ Doing their best to make sure it doesn’t happen again. This is not what you say about a murder. This is what the manager of Jersey Mike’s says when they accidentally put pepperoni on your tuna sandwich.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“In a major reversal, President Trump called on House Republicans to release the Epstein files, saying, ‘We have nothing to hide.’ In other words, he just finished hiding everything.” "
- Jimmy Fallon
"“I am clearly no stranger to sharing upsetting numbers with my audience, but please do kill me if I ever start doing pedophile math.""
- John Oliver, on Megyn Kelly's assertion that Jeffrey Epstein was not a pedophile because he was "into" teenage girls, not younger children
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