"“Can’t take this for granted. Though, actually technically our first show in July of 2015 was from a public-access station in Monroe, Michigan, for an audience of 12 people, and show business being what it is these days, that’s probably where you’ll see me next.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Castro is 94 years old. If he’s convicted, he’s facing a possible life sentence of six months.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Oh, really? That’s fascinating, Mr. President. You may not know this, sir, but there’s actually a special word for when the roof goes all the way down to the basement, and that word is ‘walls.’”"
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- Stephen Colbert, on Trump's saying the White House ballroom will have “a roof that goes down into the basement"
"“The president made a trip to China to see all of the factories where his America First merchandise is made. You got to check on the hats.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“What I’m doing with 'Comics Unleashed,' we don’t talk about politics. We don’t talk about anything that’s topical. We don’t do anything that’s racist or sexist or anti-Semitic or homophobic. Just be funny and don’t offend.”"
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- Byron Allen, on the show replacing "The Late Show WIth Stephen Colbert"
"“During his meeting today with President Trump, Chinese President Xi Jinping said that the whole world is watching their summit and added, ‘Can China and the United States overcome the Thucydides trap and create a new paradigm of major country relations?’ Then Trump asked if he could have a translator for the translator.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“Trump was joined on the trip by Elon Musk, Pete Hegseth, and his son, Eric. Even Trump was, like, ‘I got to make some new friends.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""'The Rookie' was the most streamed show among viewers under 18. Young people love 'The Rookie.' And do you know why? I’m actually asking why does anyone know why this is happening? This is like finding out tweens love Triscuits.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“I’m Seth Meyers. Or as the FCC calls me, ‘Next.’”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“The Court has been repeatedly jumping into ongoing cases to say, ‘You know what, while this works its way through the courts, Trump should get to do the thing that he wants to do anyway.' It’s basically a football referee saying, ‘Pending a final ruling on the legality of the quarterback having a gun, I’m just gonna stand back and see where he’s going with this.'”"
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- John Oliver
