"“Guess if you’re Melania and you want to contradict your husband, the safest place to do it is in a book where neither he nor any of his supporters will ever see it.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
Quotes
"“Former President Trump broke a 50-year tradition for presidential candidates after he backed out of his scheduled interview with ‘60 Minutes’ because he was worried they’d fact-check him. So if you’re keeping track, Trump said that he’ll stand up to the president of China, but Lesley Stahl is a little too scary.”"
- Jimmy Fallon
"“In the end, it was 90 minutes of constant talk that made one thing clear: Tonight was like having Thanksgiving with your most nervous uncle and your smuggest nephew. It was unpleasant, awkward and, thankfully, you only have to do it once every four years.”"
- Stephen Colbert, on the VP debate
""Trump asked Vance if he needed any debate advice, and Vance was like, ‘Absolutely. Do you have Kamala’s number?’”"
- Jimmy Fallon
"“They say that me blaming the Democrats for inciting violence is the pot calling the kettle black. But frankly I didn’t know the kettle was black until very recently. I thought the kettle was Indian.”"
- "SNL's" James Austin Johnson, as Donald Trump
""[Eric] Adams is the first sitting mayor of New York City to be indicted. It’s shocking. When Rudy Giuliani heard that, he was, like, ‘That can’t be right.’” "
- Jimmy Fallon
""New York City officials actually said drivers should expect the slowest traffic of the year. You know traffic is slow when even Biden is like, ‘You know, I’m just going to get out and walk.’”"
- Jimmy Fallon
"“During a campaign event last week with Oprah Winfrey, Vice President Kamala Harris defended her right to own a gun and said, ‘If somebody breaks in my house, they’re getting shot.’ Whereas if someone breaks into Oprah’s house, they’re getting lost.” "
- Seth Meyers
"“By the way, if your cat goes missing, why would your first guess be someone ate it?” "
- Seth Meyers
""[Donald Trump's] rally at Nassau Coliseum was historic. The last time a president appeared at the Coliseum was when President Biden fought the lions in Rome.”"
- Jimmy Fallon
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