""If you’re ever looking for a missing artifact, nine times out of 10, it’s in the British Museum. It’s basically the world’s largest Lost and Found, with both ‘lost’ and ‘found’ in the heaviest possible quotation marks there.”"
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- John Oliver, slamming museums for stealing artifacts
"“I’ve never been good at goodbyes. It’s not instant. I’m not disappearing. Don’t worry. If I owe you money, I’ll still pay you.”"
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- Trevor Noah, announcing his decision to leave "The Daily Show."
"“Boom! Yeah. How you like that, asteroid? That was for the dinosaurs.” "
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- Trevor Noah, after NASA intentionally crashed a spacecraft into an asteroid
"“I don’t believe in middle ground. I believe that there’s left and right and then there’s reasonable.""
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- Chris Cuomo, on Kara Swisher's podcast
"“I loathe the framing that young people are going to save us. With all due respect, what the f**k are adults doing?”"
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- Chelsea Clinton, at A+E's History Talks event
"“Trump’s argument is that you can just declassify things in your mind - it’s officially declassified as long as you believe it’s declassified. That’s according to Trump’s newest legal adviser, Tinkerbell.”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“Fraud is who he is! Charging Donald Trump with fraud is like charging Lizzo with ‘Juice.’ It’s his essence.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“President Biden claimed in a new interview that the coronavirus pandemic is over. Easy for him to say — he just had it. Of course it’s over when you’ve got the antibodies: ‘I’m off to Burning Man, then London for the Queen’s funeral. No masks, baby!’” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“The procession was lengthy, with King Charles and siblings walking behind the coffin for nearly one and a half hours. That’s not easy. For years, the royal family’s only form of exercise has been walking back statements from Andrew.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
""I think a lot of young actors go, 'My job is to show up and say my lines.' Not really. Your job is to be part of the whole team.""
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- Sarah Michelle Gellar, to the New York Times
