""When you hear the name ‘Oath Keepers,’ you know, and that eye patch, it makes [Stewart] Rhodes sort of seem like a heroic freedom rebel. In reality, he’s a disbarred Yale law grad who wears an eye patch after accidentally shooting himself in the face with his own gun. Oops-a-karma!”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Americans haven’t been this fired up about soccer since we remembered it existed last week.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“When news got out about this Nick Fuentes guy and the ex-president started getting a lot of criticism, he put out a statement saying, ‘Our dinner meeting was intended to be Kanye and me only, but he arrived with a guest whom I had never met and knew nothing about.’ OK, not sure ‘I was only scheduled to have dinner with one famous antisemite’ is the defense he thinks it is.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Dr. Fauci is 81 years old. Today, Biden was like, ‘Congrats on your early retirement.’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
""It’s kind of like finding out your mom decided to dump your stepdad to get back together with your real Dad.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on Bob Iger returning as CEO of Disney
""It is with an incredible sense of gratitude and humility—and, I must admit, a bit of amazement—that I write to you this evening with the news that I am returning to The Walt Disney Company as Chief Executive Officer.""
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- Bob Iger, in a memo to Disney employees
"“Reports of our death were slightly exaggerated.” "
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- Bill Maher, on the midterm election results
"“[Nancy] Pelosi has served as speaker with Presidents Bush, Obama, Trump and Biden, or as she calls them, the reasons why she started smoking, quit, then started again, then quit again.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“I can think of no better way to kick off another Trump campaign than with ‘Les Misérables.’ It’s a musical about a criminal with a hot daughter who gets away with it in the end.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“ABC News aired an hourlong sit-down interview last night with former Vice President Mike Pence. So if you’ve ever wondered what an hourlong interview with Mike Pence is like, watch a five minute one.” "
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- Seth Meyers
