Quotes

"“There was wall-to-wall coverage of the State of the Union on all the major networks, like NBC, ABC and CBS. Meanwhile, Netflix is, like, ‘ka-ching!” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“So the balloon went over Alaska, and then it went through Canada and then into U.S. airspace. And, by the way, Canada, thanks for the heads up on that.”"
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- Chelsea Handler
""I was so inspired by the lyrics of 'Break My Soul,' that I actually quit my job. That’s how powerful that was. I just wish Beyoncé had also written a song about the importance of having savings before you quit your job.”"
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- Grammys host Trevor Noah
"“Groundhog Day is a tradition that was brought to the United States in the 1800s by German settlers. The boring German settlers — the fun ones brought us beer.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Brady is done and, in a related story, tickets to next year’s Buccaneers games are now free.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“President Biden informed Congress yesterday that he will officially end the coronavirus pandemic emergency declaration in May, which means that everyone can finally stop wearing their mask a year ago.”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“In hindsight, I got a little carried away and over-invested relative to the uncertainty I saw in the market.""
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- Spotify CEO Daniel Ek
""Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump’s account, but this time they’ll put guard rails in place to keep him under control. Which I think is the same thing they said every time they tried to reopen Jurassic Park.""
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- Colin Jost, on SNL's Weekend Update
""Letting Trump back on Facebook is crazy. You’re just asking for trouble. It’s like letting Hannibal Lecter babysit your most delicious child.”"
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- Wanda Sykes
"“While a lot of Republicans are mad at Pence, the former V.P. got a boost from the former pres, who truthed: ‘Mike Pence is an innocent man. He never did anything knowingly dishonest in his life.’ Adding, ‘which is why I tried to have him killed.’” "
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- Stephen Colbert
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