Quotes

"“After teasing a ‘major announcement’ on his social media platform Truth Social, former President Trump announced today he is releasing a collection of digital trading cards. It’s what his doctors are calling ‘a new symptom.’” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“Thank God this coup wasn’t planned by people who could solve the Wordle. We’d all be in a lot of trouble right now.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Elon is being slammed for a tweet he posted yesterday that said, ‘My pronouns are prosecute and Fauci.’ Fauci was like, ‘Yep, much like a Tesla battery, Elon’s on fire.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""Raphael Warnock defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia’s Senate runoff race. But I don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from Herschel Walker. I mean, unless he’s your biological father.""
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- SNL's Michael Che
" “Thank you to people who watch, the people who share the clips, everyone who’s had an opinion, everyone who’s been kind enough and gracious enough, even if it’s a critique.”"
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- Trevor Noah, on his final days as host of "The Daily Show"
"“Herschel’s already working on his next project, which is desperately trying to learn to sing ‘Baby Got Back’ while dressed like an acorn on ‘The Masked Singer.’” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“The U.S. Senate is no place for people whose brains don’t work because of football injuries; it’s a place for people whose brains don’t work because they’re 1,000 years old.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Again with the Hunter Biden laptop! Give it a rest! You don’t hear anyone obsessing over the former president’s son’s laptop. And Eric’s got a good one — it’s made by Fisher-Price, and it can tell you what sound a cow makes.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
""When you hear the name ‘Oath Keepers,’ you know, and that eye patch, it makes [Stewart] Rhodes sort of seem like a heroic freedom rebel. In reality, he’s a disbarred Yale law grad who wears an eye patch after accidentally shooting himself in the face with his own gun. Oops-a-karma!”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Americans haven’t been this fired up about soccer since we remembered it existed last week.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
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