"“At the White House this morning, the Bidens hosted the annual egg roll. Why they do this the day after Easter, I don’t know. Jesus is like, ‘I have to rise again again?'” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
Quotes
"“She got cold feet after Murdoch passed his physical.""
- SNL's Michael Che, on Rupert Murdoch's engagement being called off
"“Here’s my question: If you’re going to buy a Supreme Court justice, why would you spend all that money on luxury yachts and planes for Clarence Thomas? You could have bought Brett Kavanaugh for a bottle of Jager and a Southwest boarding pass.”"
- Roy Wood Jr.
"“Then it was time for the former president to take the stage and inspire a nation with a six-minute list of unresolved grievances. Well, come on, what do you expect? You’re listening to a 76-year-old man in Florida.” "
- Stephen Colbert
"“That guy was the president of the country. If you asked for the manager at Best Buy and that guy came over, you’d say, ‘No, the manager.’”"
- Seth Meyers
""Trump flew from Florida to New York, where he’ll soon be arrested. He’s basically doing a reverse spring break.” "
- Jimmy Fallon
"“Instead of being about a group of friends, it’s about a group of teachers. And instead of New York, it’s in Philadelphia. And instead of not having Black people, it does.”"
- SNL host Quinta Brunson, describing "Abbott Elementary"
""Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there, OK? If you commit fraud to cover up an affair with a porn star, the law will catch up to you after, like, seven years and a full term as president.”"
- John Leguizamo
"“Some experts believe that it is possible the grand jury may already have voted to indict Donald Trump but that the Manhattan D.A. is slow-walking it to give him time to make preparations for his arrest, whereas others are saying it’s possible — and this is pretty crazy — that Donald Trump died two years ago and we’re all being haunted by his ghost.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“It’s not complicated. It might be hard, but it’s not complicated. That’s just math. It’s the same reason these days we have fewer strangulations with a landline.”"
- Stephen Colbert, on enacting stricter gun laws
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