""This show is so irrelevant, it’s shocking Elon Musk hasn’t bought it yet.”"
- Directors Guild Awards host Judd Apatow
Quotes
"“No aliens. Nothing to see here. In a totally unrelated story, Monday, the United States has set up a new task force on U.F.O.s.”"
- Stephen Colbert
""There’s still confusion about the three unidentified objects the United States government shot down over the weekend. Intelligence officials now say that they do not believe the objects were from China or posed any kind of national security threat. This is all a very evasive way of saying that they shot down three Bud Light blimps.” "
- James Corden
"“A lawyer for former President Trump said recently that Trump was using a manila folder marked ‘classified’ to block a small light on a landline phone next to his bed. Even weirder: all the ones that he taped up to use in place of curtains.” "
- Seth Meyers
"“Not one of you all said the Chiefs were going to take it home this year!” "
- Kansas City tight end Travis Kelce to sports announcers after the Super Bowl
"“North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was joined onstage yesterday by his 9-year-old daughter at a military parade unveiling the country’s new missiles. So I guess Bring Your Daughter to Work Day has officially jumped the shark.” "
- Seth Meyers
"“The list of people harassed by Marjorie Taylor Greene now includes President Biden and any bartender at every T.G.I. Fridays.”"
- James Corden
"“There was wall-to-wall coverage of the State of the Union on all the major networks, like NBC, ABC and CBS. Meanwhile, Netflix is, like, ‘ka-ching!” "
- Jimmy Fallon
"“So the balloon went over Alaska, and then it went through Canada and then into U.S. airspace. And, by the way, Canada, thanks for the heads up on that.”"
- Chelsea Handler
""I was so inspired by the lyrics of 'Break My Soul,' that I actually quit my job. That’s how powerful that was. I just wish Beyoncé had also written a song about the importance of having savings before you quit your job.”"
- Grammys host Trevor Noah
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