"“If you don’t know, and you may not, a ‘just war’ is a Catholic doctrine that goes all the way back to the church fathers, St. Ambrose and St. Augustine. There are many criteria, including: It must be in self-defense once all peace efforts have failed. Only then can the war can be said to have ‘just cause.’ As opposed to Trump, who appears to have taken us to war just ’cause.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Lots of stores offered tax-day deals today. Krispy Kreme had a deal today where if you buy a dozen doughnuts, you get a second dozen free. I think we can all agree that there is nothing more American than paying your taxes and then eating 24 doughnuts by yourself.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“This guy teleports to all the exact places you end up when you’re blackout drunk. That’s just incredible. I mean, Tiger Woods is like, ‘Yeah, that happened to me too! I just teleported into an upside-down car.’” "
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- Ronny Chieng, on FEMA official Gregg Phillips, who claims he teleported to a Waffle House
"“We have a fight between the president and the pope. The world has become a real-life episode of ‘South Park.’” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""Before the talks fell apart, President Trump warned Iran about making any more demands, saying, 'The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards.' They’re literally holding a strait.""
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- SNL's Colin Jost
"“Trump explained that he agreed to the cease-fire because, ‘we have already met and exceeded all military objectives.’ It’s true. This war reached all of its objectives. It’s been a week since anyone mentioned the Epstein files.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Trump has promised to deliver this civilization-ending blow tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern. So, bad news: the world might end. Good news: not until after ‘Wheel of Fortune.’” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“He’s the only president who teases a bombing the same way ABC promotes new episodes of ‘Will Trent.’” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""President Trump addressed the nation about the war with Iran and threatened to, quote, 'bring them back to the Stone Age where they belong.' And in the spirit of Easter, let me just say, 'Jesus Christ!'""
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- SNL's Colin Jost
" “Sources say Trump wants someone tougher to execute his plans — and everyone else.” "
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- Greg Gutfeld
