"“Then it was time for the former president to take the stage and inspire a nation with a six-minute list of unresolved grievances. Well, come on, what do you expect? You’re listening to a 76-year-old man in Florida.” "
- Stephen Colbert
Quotes
"“That guy was the president of the country. If you asked for the manager at Best Buy and that guy came over, you’d say, ‘No, the manager.’”"
- Seth Meyers
""Trump flew from Florida to New York, where he’ll soon be arrested. He’s basically doing a reverse spring break.” "
- Jimmy Fallon
"“Instead of being about a group of friends, it’s about a group of teachers. And instead of New York, it’s in Philadelphia. And instead of not having Black people, it does.”"
- SNL host Quinta Brunson, describing "Abbott Elementary"
""Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there, OK? If you commit fraud to cover up an affair with a porn star, the law will catch up to you after, like, seven years and a full term as president.”"
- John Leguizamo
"“Some experts believe that it is possible the grand jury may already have voted to indict Donald Trump but that the Manhattan D.A. is slow-walking it to give him time to make preparations for his arrest, whereas others are saying it’s possible — and this is pretty crazy — that Donald Trump died two years ago and we’re all being haunted by his ghost.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“It’s not complicated. It might be hard, but it’s not complicated. That’s just math. It’s the same reason these days we have fewer strangulations with a landline.”"
- Stephen Colbert, on enacting stricter gun laws
"“The teams in this year’s Final Four are Miami, Florida Atlantic, UConn and San Diego State. Really? The only way your bracket’s got those four teams is if you filled it out this morning.”"
- Jimmy Fallon
""Show business is full of nepo babies, politics is full of nepo babies.... But in sports, there are no nepo babies. There are the sons and daughters of former players, but it's not why they play. Laila Ali didn't knock out 21 opponents by smacking them with a birth certificate." "
- Bill Maher
""The C.E.O. of TikTok testified. Then, of course, the head of Instagram Reels showed up and said all the exact same stuff, just not as cool.” "
- Jimmy Fallon
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