"“At this point, the Biden-Trump rematch just feels like your six-month checkup at the dentist. Like, when they ask you when you want to come back, you want to say ‘Never’ but, you know you just have to pick a random Tuesday in November and get it over with.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“Though we negotiated intent on making a fair deal … the studios’ responses to our proposals have been wholly insufficient, given the existential crisis writers are facing,” "
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- The Writers Guild of America
""Elon Musk tweeted that [NPR] should be defunded. Well, the best way to make NPR go away is for Elon Musk to buy it.""
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- President Biden, at the White House Correspondents' Dinner
"“Wow, good for Tucker. Even though he’s isolated in a remote cabin somewhere, he’s still getting his message out, just like the Unabomber.” "
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- Desi Lydic
"“If Joe Biden does win, he would be 86 years old when he reaches the end of his second term.... And to be fair, 86 is old — not just for president, but for any job. If my Lyft driver rolled up and was 86 years old, I’d be like, ‘Do you need help getting home?’” "
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- Desi Lydic
"“Don Lemon and Tucker Carlson — for those of you who don’t follow cable news, this is like if Ronald McDonald and the Burger King got fired on the same day.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""I'd just like to congratulate @TuckerCarlson on getting fired from the middle @cnn and from the left @msnbc and from the fascist right @foxnews. There is a majesty to this burning of bridges and the rivers beneath them that I could never hope to attain.""
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- Tweet from Keith Olbermann
""There’s one thing that hurts a company, it’s destroying their product after it’s already been purchased.”"
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- John Oliver, on right-wing critics shooting cans of Bud Light after the brand partnered with a trans influencer
"“SpaceX is now saying they triggered the explosion, but originally when it happened, they called it a ‘rapid unscheduled disassembly.’ That sounds like what celebrities say when they’re getting divorced: ‘Our marriage is going through a rapid unscheduled disassembly — please respect our privacy at this time.’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Dominion also has a defamation case against Rudy Giuliani, also for $1.3 billion. That’s a lot, man. They are suing Rudy for everything he’s got, which at this point, I believe, is a stolen CVS shopping cart full of empty merlot bottles and a jar full of spare teeth.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
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