Quotes

"“Biden and Trump are scheduled to visit the border in Texas on Thursday. Both of them. They will both be at the border. And if they can get two more senior citizens to go with them, they’ve got themselves a pickleball match.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
" “Trump actually had two versions of his speech — a victory speech in case he won, and a victory speech in case he lost.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, after the South Carolina Republican primary
""Donald Trump announced he is selling limited edition gold sneakers for $400. You can check them out on the feet of the guy getting dragged off your flight.""
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- SNL's Michael Che
"“We don’t see a lot of people un-subscribing to cable in order to get this.”"
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- WBD CEO David Zaslav, on the company's upcoming joint venture sports streaming service
"“I’ll do it right now on your show, I’ll challenge him right now.""
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- Donald Trump, asked by Fox News' Laura Ingraham if he'd debate Joe Biden
""You aren't as dumb as your face would have us believe.""
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- Jon Stewart, on Tucker Carlson
"“HBO is not putting up the money for this. I am personally on the hook. You can make me really regret this. I could be doing standup tours to pay for your retirement for years.”"
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- John Oliver offering Clarence Thomas $1 million a year to leave the Supreme Court
"“123.4 million people watched the Super Bowl, making it the most watched television broadcast ever. Yet another successful boycott by Trump supporters.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“There were a lot of notable Super Bowl commercials. Well, one question I had is: Where did Jesus get $7 million for a Super Bowl ad? Can he turn water into money also?” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Who better to comment on this election than someone who truly understands two aging men past their prime?""
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- Jon Steward, on his "Daily Show" return
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