""At a campaign rally, former President Trump said he would debate President Biden any time, any place. And then he pointed to an empty podium on the stage. And now Trump and Biden are both polling 80 points behind the podium.""
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- SNL's Colin Jost
"“It’s really exciting because we haven’t had total darkness outside since November through March.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, on the solar eclipse
"“We have just learned that the White House has directed NASA to create a time standard for the moon. Though, obviously, they’re going to need two: Moon Standard and Moonlight Savings Time.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Donald Trump thinks a gag order is what Melania does when she sees him get out of the hot tub.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""Truth Social stock tanked so fast, they’re changing the name to Twitter.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“That is a man who talks non-stop about how he’s one of the richest men on Earth, begging strangers for money in a hostage video that looks that it was filmed in a house haunted by the world’s tackiest ghosts.""
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- John Oliver, on Donald Trump
""New York just became the first U.S. city to approve congestion pricing, which means cars that drive into Midtown Manhattan will have to pay an extra $15. A $15 toll. And that’s not all; the city announced some other new tolls, too. You’ll have to pay $15 if you make eye contact with someone on the subway for more than three seconds.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
""The guy who’s about to go on trial for paying hush money to cover up an affair with a porn star is selling Bibles. And because it’s a Trump Bible, most of the Ten Commandments are blacked out.”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“No organization, particularly a newsroom, can succeed unless it is cohesive and aligned,. Over the last few days, it has become clear that this appointment undermines that goal.”"
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- Cesar Conde, head of NBCU News Group, announcing Ronna McDaniel's exit
"“He’s not a real rich guy; he just plays one on TV. Donald Trump has a billion dollars the same way Patrick Stewart has a spaceship.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
