Quotes
"“I’ll do it right now on your show, I’ll challenge him right now.""
- Donald Trump, asked by Fox News' Laura Ingraham if he'd debate Joe Biden
""You aren't as dumb as your face would have us believe.""
- Jon Stewart, on Tucker Carlson
"“HBO is not putting up the money for this. I am personally on the hook. You can make me really regret this. I could be doing standup tours to pay for your retirement for years.”"
- John Oliver offering Clarence Thomas $1 million a year to leave the Supreme Court
"“123.4 million people watched the Super Bowl, making it the most watched television broadcast ever. Yet another successful boycott by Trump supporters.” "
- Seth Meyers
"“There were a lot of notable Super Bowl commercials. Well, one question I had is: Where did Jesus get $7 million for a Super Bowl ad? Can he turn water into money also?” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Who better to comment on this election than someone who truly understands two aging men past their prime?""
- Jon Steward, on his "Daily Show" return
"“It’s pretty embarrassing for Biden. But, on the bright side, he’ll forget about it five minutes later.”"
- Jimmy Fallon, on the president's description as "a well meaning elderly man with a poor memory" by the special counsel
"“Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson announced yesterday that he will interview Russian President Vladimir Putin. And while they may not speak the same language, they also kind of do.”"
- Seth Meyers
"“According to a new poll from CNN, a majority of Americans want to see a verdict in the Jan. 6 case before they vote in the election. It’s vitally important that we find out whether the former president did what we all saw him do on television or not.”"
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Not only did Taylor make Grammys history, she also announced that on April 19, she’s releasing a new album called ‘The Tortured Poets Department.’ Then every other artist releasing an album on April 19 was like, ‘Well, looking more like a June release now.’”"
- Jimmy Fallon
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