Quotes

"“Louisiana yesterday became the first state to require public schools to display the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Apparently, they’ve been having a lot of trouble with kids coveting their neighbor’s oxen.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“It’ll be so hot in Maine this week, the lobsters will be getting in pots just to cool down.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Bragging about acing a cognitive test while forgetting the name of the doctor who gave it to you is like writing on a résumé that you speak three languages and misspelling the word ‘languages.’” "
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- Seth Meyers, on a Donald Trump gaffe
""I don't speak Italian. I think he probably said, 'I hate you Conan O'Brien.'""
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- Conan O'Brien, on meeting Pope Francis
"“This Father’s Day, lets give dear old dad the gift of being dear old dad. And also, shut up, he’s trying to watch the game.”"
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- Bill Maher
"“Trump’s birthday should be fun. The last time people gathered to say ‘Are you 1? Are you 2? Are you 3?’ they were counting guilty verdicts.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Usually when an 81-year-old does that much traveling through Europe, it’s on a Viking river cruise.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, on President Biden's overseas trips
"“Hunter Biden was found guilty today on all counts in his federal gun trial and now faces up to 25 years on ‘Hannity.’”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“As temperatures reached over 100 degrees at his outdoor rally in Las Vegas, former President Trump told the crowd that he was ‘up here sweating like a dog’ — and he was immediately shot by Kristi Noem.”"
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- Seth Meyers
""I feel like I'm a spy from nighttime television.""
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- Dick Van Dyke, accepting a Daytime Emmy
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