""Trump challenged President Biden to a golf match and said, ‘It will be among the most-watched sporting events in history.’ Would it, though? It’s not exactly gripping to watch two old guys looking through the weeds for their ball.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“Trump needs someone who is going to help him win, so right now the front-runner is Joe Biden.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“They have a clear strategic vision for the future and the resources to build on Paramount Global’s competitive advantages to drive the Company’s success.” "
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- Shari Redstone, on Skydance's deal to take over Paramount Global
""I was just having a bad night.""
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- Joe Biden, to ABC's George Stephanopoulos
""I think other people would label me a Disney adult, but I know how far down the spectrum you can go. I think I’m an entry-drug Disney adult.""
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- Kerry Washington, to Bustle
""This life achievement award, I don’t know, man. Is it too early for me to receive it? Because I’m still running and gunning.""
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- Usher, at the BET Awards
"“Let me just say after watching tonight’s debate, both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs, as much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies will allow.""
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- Jon Stewart
""I actually have a little empathy for Melania. I mean, [when] she entered into this marriage, she had a certain expectation, and that expectation was that the average life expectancy for an American male is 76.3 years old.""
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- Martin Short, on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"
"“Donald Trump says he’s close to announcing his running mate, and has reportedly narrowed it down to three people. It was four, but O.J. died.”"
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- Martin Short, on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"
""I know I speak for so many others when I say my life was changed by the Camelot-esque home he created for all of us who worked at The WB. He will be greatly missed.”"
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- Greg Berlanti, on the late Jamie Kellner
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