"“Prosecutors argued today that former President Trump should be sanctioned again for violating his gag order. Apparently, he talks in his sleep.” "
- Seth Meyers
Quotes
"“All right, what is going on with him? Hibernating bears don’t sleep this much. I’m starting to think when they say he slept with a porn star, they meant literally.” "
- Seth Meyers
"“Eric Trump attended his dad’s porn star hush money trial today, which in the Trump family is as close as you get to playing catch in the yard.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Governor Noem, if you don’t like untrainable animals that wolf down chickens, I have bad news about your party’s nominee.”"
- Stephen Colbert
"“My ‘Weekend Update’ co-anchor, Michael Che, was going to join me here tonight — but in solidarity with President Biden I decided to lose all my Black support.”"
- Colin Jost, host of the White House Correspondents Dinner
"“Donald Trump somehow made a lot of money from a company that makes none.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“This guy is incapable of keeping his mouth shut for two minutes. Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money?”"
- Jordan Klepper
"“At this point, you’re probably saying to yourself, ‘How many television hours have they devoted to what Donald Trump, a man who has not been off any of our screens for more than 30 seconds in the last eight years, looks like?’ The answer is not nearly as many hours as describing his every movement.”"
- Jon Stewart
"“The list of things that can break a Cybertruck now includes driving it.” "
- John Oliver, on the recall of the Tesla vehicle
"“Being the speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend — you hang on as long as you can.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
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