""I think other people would label me a Disney adult, but I know how far down the spectrum you can go. I think I’m an entry-drug Disney adult.""
- Kerry Washington, to Bustle
Quotes
""This life achievement award, I don’t know, man. Is it too early for me to receive it? Because I’m still running and gunning.""
- Usher, at the BET Awards
"“Let me just say after watching tonight’s debate, both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs, as much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies will allow.""
- Jon Stewart
""I actually have a little empathy for Melania. I mean, [when] she entered into this marriage, she had a certain expectation, and that expectation was that the average life expectancy for an American male is 76.3 years old.""
- Martin Short, on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"
"“Donald Trump says he’s close to announcing his running mate, and has reportedly narrowed it down to three people. It was four, but O.J. died.”"
- Martin Short, on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"
""I know I speak for so many others when I say my life was changed by the Camelot-esque home he created for all of us who worked at The WB. He will be greatly missed.”"
- Greg Berlanti, on the late Jamie Kellner
"“Louisiana yesterday became the first state to require public schools to display the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Apparently, they’ve been having a lot of trouble with kids coveting their neighbor’s oxen.” "
- Seth Meyers
"“It’ll be so hot in Maine this week, the lobsters will be getting in pots just to cool down.”"
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Bragging about acing a cognitive test while forgetting the name of the doctor who gave it to you is like writing on a résumé that you speak three languages and misspelling the word ‘languages.’” "
- Seth Meyers, on a Donald Trump gaffe
""I don't speak Italian. I think he probably said, 'I hate you Conan O'Brien.'""
- Conan O'Brien, on meeting Pope Francis
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