Quotes

"“You know who’s not helping? Congressional Republicans, because they want strings attached to California’s fire aid. That is an awful, awful way to respond to any emergency: ‘911, what’s in it for me?’”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“All five members of the so-called ‘Presidents Club’ gathered today in Washington, D.C., for President Jimmy Carter’s state funeral. And it just goes to show you that, as a country, we really don’t have a type.” "
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- Seth Meyers
""Immediately after a campaign in which he repeatedly said he would bring down prices quickly and that it would be easy, he told Time magazine, ‘It’s hard to bring things down once they’re up. You know, it’s very hard.’ Trump will be a terrible president — he’d be an even worse airline pilot.” "
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- Seth Meyers
""Trump wants to merge with Canada. I feel like we’re close to him offering a throuple with Mexico.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""Justin Trudeau announced he will resign as prime minister. This is going to have massive repercussions. Do you realize with the loss of Trudeau, the hottest G7 leader is now Olaf Scholz?”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Welcome to Ozempic’s biggest night.""
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- Golden Globes host Nikki Glaser
"“The worst thing that could happen is if I faint or have some kind of stroke. Those are my biggest worries, but the material is there. There’s nothing in the set that I feel is so offensive that it would tarnish any kind of opportunities or relationships with people.""
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- Nikki Glaser to the NY Times, on hosting the Golden Globes
"“This was the year that people were behaving so poorly we started being wistful about murderers. Remember, this was the year we were like, were the Menendez brothers so bad? Were we too hard on the Menendez brothers?”"
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- Whitney Cummings, on "CNN New Year's Eve Live"
""If he’s going to be the guy running everything, I’m going to have to work on my Elon Musk impression.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
""As of today, the drone armada has also been spotted in New York, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Virginia and Ohio, which can mean only one thing: The drones are visiting colleges.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
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