Quotes

"“This is an unprecedented failure of national security protocols and a grotesque disregard of the safety of American service members. Or, as Donald Trump would say: ‘No it isn’t.’”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Is Elmo now, or has he ever been, a member of the Communist Party?”"
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- Representative Robert Garcia, Democrat from California, duing a House hearing about PBS and NPR
"“President Trump — he claims he’s perfectly OK with it. He says he’s not planning to fire anybody. He says mistakes were made. What happened to this guy? He used to fire people on a daily — he fired Meat Loaf for less than this. Firing used to be his favorite thing. It’s kind of sad. He’s like an old dog who doesn’t chase the ball anymore.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Back in my day if you were a journalist who wanted leaked war documents, you had to work the sources, meet them in a dark garage, gain the trust, pound the pavement. Now, just wait for the National Security Director to be distracted by 'The White Lotus' while he’s setting up his bomb Yemen group chat.”"
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- Jon Stewart
"“I just want to start by saying, in light of the new leadership at the Kennedy Center, all of these are right wings.” "
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- Stephen Colbert, during a segment with chicken wings
""President Trump signed an executive order to shut down the Department of Education. It’s a historic move that years from now kids will not read about in history textbooks.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“These [JFK] files appear to support the widely held belief that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. There’s no evidence of a second gunman, which means Ted Cruz’s father is off the hook.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Here’s some good news: Today, the Boeing astronauts who were stranded at the International Space Station for nine months finally returned to Earth. Welcome! Right now, they’re the first people in history to honestly text someone, ‘Sorry, just saw this.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“France wants the Statue of Liberty back, while Canada is like, ‘Well, in that case, we’re coming to get Ryan Gosling.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Oh, he ‘won the tournament’ at ‘Trump International’? How did that happen?”"
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- Jon Stewart
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