Quotes

""They need to respond with five accomplishments from the last week. Federal workers wrote back: ‘I received this email, I opened this email, I read this email, I laughed at this email, and I deleted this email.’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Wait, we never win. This is so weird. Marty [Short] and Steve [Martin] aren’t here because, you know, they don’t really care.”"
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- Only Murder in the Building's Selena Gomez at the SAG Awards
"“DOGE-head Elon Musk says he’s considering giving 78 million Americans $5,000 per household. Half of these households will be benefiting from a DOGE dividend; the other are just his child support.” "
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- Greg Gutfeld
"“Rehiring people on Tuesday that you fired on Friday does not scream ‘government efficiency.’”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“You’re telling me this is the best you can do? It looks like an animated show for children made by even younger children.” "
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- Taylor Tomlinson, on Meta’s new ad for its VR game, “Horizon Worlds”
" “We were so scared that the government was going to turn into ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ that we didn’t see that the big threat was from the guys on ‘The Big Bang Theory.’” "
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- Bill Maher
"“I believe that the heart and soul of this show is the celebrity hosts, many of whom are in this room tonight. As I look around, I see some of the most difficult people I have ever met in my entire life.""
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- John Mulaney, on SNL50
"“R.F.K. Jr. is now in charge of the F.D.A., N.I.H. and C.D.C., to which Americans said, ‘OMG,’ ‘WTF’ and ‘FML.’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“President Trump spoke today with Russian president Vladimir Putin on the phone. And, bad news, you guys, we gotta change the name of the gulf again.” "
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- Seth Meyers
""[President Trump] is taking questions, having meetings, he’s tackling all the most important stuff. He did the same thing yesterday, all day. He canceled the penny, he changed the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, and he finally got tough on paper straws.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
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