Quotes

""President Trump signed an executive order to shut down the Department of Education. It’s a historic move that years from now kids will not read about in history textbooks.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“These [JFK] files appear to support the widely held belief that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. There’s no evidence of a second gunman, which means Ted Cruz’s father is off the hook.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Here’s some good news: Today, the Boeing astronauts who were stranded at the International Space Station for nine months finally returned to Earth. Welcome! Right now, they’re the first people in history to honestly text someone, ‘Sorry, just saw this.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“France wants the Statue of Liberty back, while Canada is like, ‘Well, in that case, we’re coming to get Ryan Gosling.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Oh, he ‘won the tournament’ at ‘Trump International’? How did that happen?”"
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- Jon Stewart
""Imagine having so many terrible views that producing Mel Gibson is not the worst thing about you.""
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- John Oliver, on Gibson's conspiracy theorist, Holocaust denying father
"“We all continue to live in a world where so many factors have conditioned us to ‘look before we leap. In Season 4, the folks at AFC Richmond learn to leap before they look, discovering that wherever they land, it’s exactly where they’re meant to be.”"
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- Jason Sudeikis, on "Ted Lasso"
"“This business wildly overestimates what's going to happen in two years, but wildly underestimates what's going to happen in ten.”"
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- VAB CEO Sean Cunningham, at CTV Connect
"“Watching Donald Trump check out a Tesla — it was like watching a monkey with an iPad.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“When asked by reporters yesterday aboard Air Force One about the possibility of a recession, President Trump said that his tariffs will make the U.S. ‘so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money’ — unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet.”"
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- Seth Meyers
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