"“The media needs to stop being polite when they report this stuff. This is the headline from NBC: ‘Trump Shares Unfounded Conspiracy Theory Claiming Biden Was “Executed” in 2020.’ Never mind ‘unfounded,’ this is not even a theory. That headline should be ‘Convicted Felon Posts Insane Fairy Tale About Cancer Patient While Constipated on Toilet.’” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.""
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- Bill Gates
"“I’ll see you on Dateline. In the meantime, please continue to take care of yourself, and each other.""
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- Lester Holt, signing off NBC Nightly News
""Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?""
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- Edgar Bergen
"“Teens rule, they are the only people who have no money that I want approval from.""
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- John Mulaney
"“It’s a terrible thing. But it’s a great thing because your parents are going to be free and clean.""
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- President Trump to reality star Savannah Chrisley, on pardoning her parents, who were serving time for fraud
"“Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts... perhaps the fear of a loss of power.”"
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- John Steinbeck
"“They pulled another all-nighter in the House last night, where they passed Trump’s ‘big, beautiful bill.’ And man oh man, if this is the beautiful bill, I’d hate to see the ugly one. I’m not sure which part of the bill is the most beautiful. I don’t know if it’s the part where we take food from hungry kids, or the devastating effect it will have on college education, or the trillions of dollars it will add to our national debt, or the almost $700 billion in cuts to Medicaid. Either way, say goodbye to Grandma. ”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“During the meeting, things got pretty heated, and the president of South Africa actually said, ‘I’m sorry I don’t have a plane to give you.’ And then, to mess with Trump even more, he gave him tickets to see a Springsteen concert in New Jersey.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Ladies and gentlemen, I am a proud company man, I love who I work for, and I will stand up against these scurrilous accusations that Paramount is engaged in corporate and political malfeasance… for the low price of $50 million.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
