"“He fired the guy who is investigating him. You know, when we said Trump should act more presidential, we probably should have specified we didn’t mean Nixon.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
Quotes
""Maybe it’s me, but Mike Pence has that look you get when you realize the gnat is too far down your throat to spit out.""
- Conan O'Brien, after the vice president's boss fired the director of the FBI
"“That’s kind of like OJ firing Judge Ito half way through the trial.”"
- Jimmy Kimmel, on President Trump axing FBI director James Comey during an investigation of possible ties between Russia and the Trump campaign
""Thank you for naming a test after me. I always figured if I ever got a test named after me it'd be for some embarrassing sexually transmitted disease.""
- Jimmy Kimmel to Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy, who told CNN he could only support a health care bill that passes the "Jimmy Kimmel test"
""When Verizon claims, ‘We love the open Internet. Why don’t we just put it on a different legal footing?', it’s basically O.J. Simpson asking why you won’t let him hold any of your samurai swords.” "
- Last Week Tonight's John Oliver, on the threat to net neutrality
""A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week, raining down raw sewage on commuters... an event Penn Station commuters are calling 'an improvement.'""
- SNL's Colin Yost on Weekend Update
"“This new bill allows states to waive the benefit rules and set up their own standards. You know, because people get sick differently in different states. In California you could be suffering from ‘hella foot pain, brah.’ Whereas in Massachusetts, it’s ‘wicked bad gout in yer Red Sox.’”"
- Stephen Colbert, on the House's new health care bill
""I can tell you unequivocally that investing in this show is probably a terrible idea.""
- I Love You America star Sarah SIlverman to advertisers at Hulu's Upfront
"“Hillary Clinton today said she is very aware of the shortfalls of her campaign that caused her to lose the election. Specifically, Short Falls, Michigan, and Short Falls, Wisconsin.”"
- Seth Meyers
"“He held a rally in Pennsylvania. The theme of that rally? ‘Promises Made, Promises Kept.’ Which is better than the original slogan, ‘Promises Made, Never Mind, Never Said It, Fake News, Watch ‘Fox And Friends.’”"
- Stephen Colbert, on President Trump's first 100 days in office
CynCity
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