Quotes

"“New York lawmakers are going to reintroduce a proposal to legalize marijuana. When asked why they were reintroducing it, they said, ‘Cuz we forgot we did it the first time.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“I saw that yesterday Puerto Rico voted to become America’s 51st state. That’s when you know things can’t be good in Puerto Rico: When they see what’s going on here and they’re like, ‘We’re going to take our chances.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“He is is describing his meeting with the president like a person who thought he was about to be murdered.”"
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- John Oliver, on then-FBI director James Comey's testimony about President Trump
"“He can’t collude with his own government. Why do you think he is colluding with the Russians?”"
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- Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) on Face the Nation, defending (sort of) President Trump
""My entire social life is based on people coming and going from my garage.""
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- Marc Maron, on his podcast (to the New York Times)
"“He thought Trump might lie? That’s that razor-sharp F.B.I. instinct in action right there. ‘Look, fellas, I don’t want to get out over my skis here, but I think this dead body might not be alive.’” "
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- Stephen Colbert, on the testimony of former FBI Director James Comey
"“Can you imagine getting fired, and then the next thing you know, you get to trash talk your boss in front of the whole world? It’s like a dream come true.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on the testimony of former FBI director James Comey
"“I saw that the game show ‘Cash Cab’ is coming back to the Discovery Channel. It’s a show where the driver asks passengers questions from the second they get into the car until they reach their destination — or as it’s called now, Uber.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”"
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- Groucho Marx
"“In Michigan, a Republican congressman said that God would take care of climate change. Yeah, so now a group of polar bears are on their way to ‘take care’ of a Republican congressman in Michigan.” "
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- Conan O'Brien
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