Quotes

"“The bill is so bad, President Trump said, ‘Does anyone have any questions for me about Russia? Alternatively, I could show you my tax returns. Do you guys want to see that?’” "
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- Seth Meyers, on the Republicans' health care bill
"“Is that Marco Rubio or a guy going up to greet his very disappointed Tinder date?”"
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- James Corden, on that awkward almost-hug between Marco Rubio and Ivanka Trump
"“Sean, I have so many questions. If you go, who will not answer them?”"
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- Stephen Colbert, on White House press secretary Sean Spicer being replaced
"“The only stable state is the one in which all men are equal before the law.” "
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- Aristotle
"“I want to say congrats to Beyoncé and Jay Z, who welcomed twins. The doctor said, ‘It’s a boy and a girl,’ and the twins said, ‘It’s Jay Z and Beyoncé, oh my gosh!’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.” "
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- W.C. Fields
""We hope this has been something of a lighthouse for you to help you with your bearings in a stormy world.”"
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- Scott Pelley, signing off as anchor of the CBS Evening News
"“President Trump is under investigation for obstruction of justice. That was confirmed today, when President Trump said he is not under investigation for obstruction of justice.” "
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- Conan O'Brien
""Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.""
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- Groucho Marx
"“I hope we as Americans can finally agree that no one who has downloaded a Fifth Harmony album in the past three years is mature enough to get married. And no one who has never heard of Fifth Harmony should be able to force her to.” "
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- Samantha Bee, on the fact that nowhere in the country is it illegal for people under 18 to get married
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