"“I’m really thrilled to be able to return to stand-up on HBO. They’ve always set the standard for great stand-up specials. Plus, I can finally use up the last of the Saddam Hussein jokes left over from my first special.”"
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- Jon Stewart, on his just-announced special
"“The bill was a total mystery. It’s like ‘Westworld’: No one knows exactly what’s going on, but it’s probably going to be a bad thing for women.” "
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- Stephen Colbert, on the Republican bill to repeal the Affordable Care Act
"“It’s the end of an era. White House press secretary Sean Spicer resigned from the post on Friday. And just for old times’ sake, he denied it.” "
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- Seth Meyers
""The only motive that can keep politics pure is the motive of doing good for one's country and its people.""
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- Henry Ford
"“He’s a human pinkie ring. He’s the human embodiment of a double-parked BMW. He looks like the guy who leaves a doo-wop group over creative differences.”"
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- Seth Meyers, on new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci
""So long Comic-Con! After seeing Marvel and DC people coexist in peace, I have hope for the Democrats and Republicans." "
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- Conan O'Brien
""There were some skits on late night television that I did crack up at. So sometimes it can be funny ....But sometimes it goes from funny to mean.""
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- Outgoing White House press secretary Sean Spicer, on being the butt of jokes
""When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ""
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- Clarence Darrow
"“He could be released by October 1, on which date he’ll be picked up from the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and be flown directly to the set of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on O.J. Simpson winning parole
"“People think you colluded with the president of a hostile foreign power, then you go out to meet with him again — and you don’t tell anybody? That’s like if O.J. does get on parole, and immediately goes glove shopping.” "
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- Stephen Colbert, on President Trump's G-20 summit conversation with Vladimir Putin
