Quotes

"“Here’s my suggestion: Let’s switch the president with anyone from Miss America. I’d even take that weird ventriloquist lady as president. Because right now, all we have is the dummy.”"
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- The Daily Show correspondent Michelle Wolf
"“The company that makes Heinz ketchup picked a 29-year-old to be its new C.F.O. He was a little shy at the press conference so they turned him upside down and slapped his bottom until some words came out.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“That is the tone of somebody who forgot to buy an anniversary gift and is stalling for time.”"
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- John Oliver on President Trump's vague responses on policy
"“These are the people who stand in a jet stream of daily obscenities and manage to write jokes about them.”"
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- Samantha Bee of her writing team, as she accepted an Emmy for Not the White House Correspondents Dinner
"“President Trump called for a simplification of the tax system yesterday and promised that under his plan, 95 percent of Americans will be able to file their tax returns on a single page. Wow! That’s only one more page than Trump used.”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“Hey, man, could you try not to sound so excited? It’s a hurricane, not the Game of Thrones finale.”"
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- Seth Meyers, on President Trump's "largest ever recorded in the Atlantic!" tweet about Hurricane Irma
"“A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.” "
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- Edward R. Murrow
""The president’s spokesperson said it was a difficult decision, and the president’s been debating it for months. But ultimately Donald Trump believes that if these kids want to be American, they have to do it the right way: by marrying Donald Trump.""
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on President Trump's decision to end DACA, a program that protects young undocumented immigrants
""It was a hell of a pay-off.""
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- The NY Times' James Poniewozik, on the finale of Twin Peaks: The Return
""I've got a lot to be thankful for. I've got a great job, I've got a great son, Will & Grace is back and bitchier than ever. I'm doing good!""
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- Mindy Kaling, in the trailer for season 6 of The Mindy Project
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