""This morning Donald Trump went on a Twitter rant, saying, ‘This is Fake News put out by @NBCNews. Low news and reporting standards.’ Now, he may be right about NBC having low standards: They did air 14 seasons of ‘The Apprentice.’” "
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- James Corden
"“Byron Scott, a former coach of the Lakers, had his home broken into and money and valuables stolen. Afterwards, Scott said, ‘It could be worse: I could still be the coach of the Lakers.’”"
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- Conan O'Brien
"“Today Trump went to Puerto Rico to survey the damage done by the hurricane, and Mike Pence will go there tomorrow to survey the damage done by the president.""
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Just to give you an idea of how far away America is from actual gun control, this week Congress is going to vote on deregulating gun silencers. Because I guess Congress is thinking, ‘Gun violence is out of control — how can we make it quieter?’”"
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- Trevor Noah
""Mars just fell into Earth. We're completely dumbfounded.""
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- Eric Paddock to NBC News, about learning his brother Stephen Paddock is suspected of perpetrating the largest mass shooting in modern U.S. history
"“It’s like a cooking competition for toddlers, hosted by a stray cat, and judged by goats.” "
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- John Oliver, on court cases being decided based on unreliable forensic evidence
"“Every new show has their kinks to work out. What I saw? I saw someone who I never knew was funny make me laugh. I saw someone who was warm. I saw someone who was smart and taking a risk.”"
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- Maria Menounos, on Megyn Kelly's first week as as Today host
"“Facebook helps democracy the same way hurricanes help us water our lawns. Between the Russians and all our uncles, Facebook is the most dangerous place on earth.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Twitter announced yesterday it will be increasing its character limit from 140 to 280 characters per tweet, on a trial basis. So we’re now officially at war with at least 17 more countries.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“Yesterday, officials confirmed that at least six of President Trump’s closest advisers used private email to discuss official White House business. In a related story, Hillary Clinton was hospitalized today after rolling her eyes so hard she threw her back out.”"
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- James Corden
