""In honor of our show being here in Brooklyn, all of the jokes you will hear tonight were written in small batches, by hand, on biodegradable hemp parchment, using natural ink made from sustainably-harvested lingonberries.""
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- Jimmy Kimmel, broadcasting from the East Coast this week
"“The group that counts among its current members Roman Polanski, Bill Cosby, and Mel Gibson has found the one guy who treated women badly and kicked him out. So congratulations, Hollywood! See you at the next Oscars where—and this is true—Casey Affleck will be presenting Best Actress.”"
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- John Oliver, on the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences expelling Harvey Weinstein
""Some things are more important than bringing in a big audience. I hope that we, as a nation, get back to a time where I can have a normal, well-rounded show, that’s more focused on Beyoncé and Jay-Z than Donald and Ivanka.""
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- Jimmy Kimmel, to the New York Times
"“Have I ever been sexually harassed? Good Friday, where do you want me to start? Women being harassed is Hollywood. Everything old is new again — producers are abusing starlets, there’s Nazis marching in the street, suddenly nude pantyhose are on trend — I’ve never felt more at home! When’s polio coming back?”"
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- SNL's Kate McKinnon as older actress Debette Goldry
"“A new study finds that parents do actually have a favorite child. The survey also finds that if you have to ask, it ain’t you.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
""I feel like the only way to get Donald Trump to care about what's happening [in Puerto Rico] is to add a hot Puerto Rican anchor lady to Fox & Friends.""
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“A painting of Jesus by the master Leonardo da Vinci has been rediscovered, and experts say it could fetch up to $100 million at auction. Yeah, and this is interesting: Jesus Christ is both the subject of painting and what everyone screamed when they heard how much it was going to cost.”"
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- James Corden
"“The New Yorker today released audio of fired Hollywood movie producer Harvey Weinstein begging a model to come into his room and watch him shower. And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“You think you came up with the word ‘fake’? Sir, just because you’ve never noticed something doesn’t mean it wasn’t there all along. Look at Eric.”"
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- Stephen Colbert, on President Trump's claim that he invented the word "fake"
"“They were the enemy and they killed U.S. soldiers. That’s like finding out Nancy Kerrigan named her child Tonya Harding.”"
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- John Oliver, on the 10 military bases named after Confederate generals
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