"“So… an ad campaign? I mean, sure, it is important not to start abusing opioids, but that doesn’t really help the people who are already struggling with addiction. It’s kind of like seeing someone neck-deep in quicksand and then putting up a ‘Don’t Do Quicksand’ sign.""
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- John Oliver, on President Trump's plan to use "really big advertising" to battle the opioid crisis
""Put it this way: If you had to go to rehab, who would you want funding it, the CEO of Verizon, or Craig who works at Verizon?""
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- Trevor Noah on President Trump's designation of the opiod crisis as a national health emergency, with access to limited funds
"“Putting Pruitt in charge of the E.P.A. was like putting the fox in the henhouse. I’m sorry — for future viewers, foxes and hens were two animals that lived on earth before climate change rendered them extinct.” "
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- Samantha Bee on Scott Pruitt
""If Bill O'Reilly can blame God for his problems, can the rest of us blame God for Bill O’Reilly?""
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- Stephen Colbert, on Twitter
" "Damn, I really wish McCain was my high school science teacher, because he clearly does not give an F." "
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- Stephen Colbert, on Sen. John McCain's thinly-veiled swipe at President Trump's Vietnam deferments
""I love autumn in L.A., when the leaves change on my screensaver photos.""
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- Conan O'Brien
""I was making cupcakes, and then they became really popular. But I always wanted to sell them for a dollar, and everyone else was charging $3 or $4. Then butter went up, and then I got a cockroach problem. So I moved on to cheese balls. And then I got a huge mouse problem, and I was like, ''I’m done with making food inside my apartment.'""
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- Amy Sedaris, set to star in truTV's At Home With Amy Seders, to the NY Times
"“How do you start with something so clear and then suddenly veer off track? It’s like Trump was handed the baton in a race, and instead of staying in his lane he walks off the track, gets into a car, drives the car off a cliff, rolls down the cliff, the car explodes, he gets out of the car, dusts himself off, and he’s like, ‘Why didn’t Obama drive?’”"
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- Trevor Noah, on President Trump claiming President Obama didn't call the families of fallen soldiers
"“The N.Y.P.D. is looking into criminal allegations as well. So I guess it’s a good thing Harvey Weinstein likes people watching him shower, because there’s a lot of that in prison.”"
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- Trevor Noah
"“Of course the employees knew. For Christmas, the Weinstein Company gave out gift baskets with a whistle, a Taser and pepper spray — and some delicious macadamia nuts, so something for everyone.”"
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- Jim Jefferies
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