"“The Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl last night, defeating the New England Patriots, 41-33. Philadelphia then went on to defeat Philadelphia.”"
- Seth Meyers, on rioting after the big game
Quotes
" "I don’t really trust this guy to untangle a vast conspiracy. I wouldn’t really trust him to untangle a pair of headphones.""
- Weekend Update's Colin Jost, on chairman of the House Intelligence Committee Devin Nunes
""I'm glad the Super Bowl is this weekend because it makes my Sunday tradition of eating a pound of melted cheese out of a helmet less weird.""
- Stephen Colbert
"“In a new interview, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi should, quote, ‘smile a lot more often.’ And that Senator Ted Cruz should smile never.”"
- Seth Meyers
"“Here’s one unusual thing we found out right before the speech: The first lady traveled to the speech in a separate car. I guess Melania didn’t want anything from the Burger King drive-through.”"
- Stephen Colbert, on President Trump's State of the Union speech
""Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn daughter Chicago West. That sounds less like a baby and more like something that would air on Thursdays at 10 p.m. on NBC.""
- Jimmy Fallon
""I am proud to stand in solidarity as not just an artist, but a young woman with my fellow sisters in this room who make up the music industry. We are also daughters, wives, mothers and human beings. We come in peace, but we mean business.”"
- Recording artist/producer/actress Janelle Monae at the Grammys
""Goop's success inspired me to launch my own celebrity lifestyle brand, Covetton House, where each product is lovingly hand-crafted to accept your credit card.""
- Stephen Colbert, with Late Show guest Gwyneth Paltrow
"“Pizza Hut says if either team beats the record for the fastest touchdown in the Super Bowl, it’s giving away free pizza to people in its loyalty program. The only downside is, you have to tell people that you’re in the Pizza Hut loyalty program.”"
- Jimmy Fallon
"“The History Channel show Pawn Stars is celebrating its 500th episode. To celebrate, the network gave the producers gold watches, which they immediately knew were fake.” "
- Jimmy Fallon
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