""This might be the best night I've had since watching your faces on election night.""
- President Trump to the media at the Gridiron Club Dinner
Quotes
"“I mean, unlimited range? Is this a missile or Meryl Streep?""
- Trevor Noah, on Russian president Vladimir Putin's claim to have nuclear weapons that can fly anywhere in the world
"“I read that a city in California passed a law that makes it illegal to cross the street while you’re on your phone. People said they got the message, and will never cross the street again.”"
- Jimmy Fallon
"“The C.E.O. of Sea World has stepped down. He’s going to be getting a $10 million retirement package — if he can jump up and catch it with his mouth.”"
- Conan O'Brien
"“You see someone who’s a good shot, you say, ‘Congratulations, you’re teaching AP Chemistry.'”"
- Stephen Colbert, on the possibility of school principals going to shooting ranges to recruit new teachers
"“‘You’re going to be dead and it’s going to be fast’ is already the slogan for Carl’s Jr. so you can’t use that.”"
- John Oliver, on President Trump's message to would-be school shooters
"“And at that moment, Marco Rubio realized he had lost the high school debate 30 years after graduating high school.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel, on the Florida Senator's exchange with a high school student who asked him not to take contributions from the NRA
""Do you really think these kids, these teenagers who spoke out after a shooting at their school, are actors who are part of some kind of deep-state, left-wing conspiracy? If the answer is ‘Yes, I do believe that,’ I have some bad news for you: You’re crazy.""
- Jimmy Kimmel, on conspiracy theorists who are trying to discredit students from Parkland, Florida
"“In Fergie’s defense, we don’t know what Francis Scott Key was thinking when he wrote ‘The Star Spangled Banner.’ Maybe he wanted it to be sexy.”"
- Jimmy Kimmel, on the singer's sultry performance at the NBA All-Star Game
"“It was different. It was sexy. I liked it. Leave her alone.”"
- Shaquille O'Neal, on Fergie's much-criticized performance of the national anthem at the NBA All-Star Game
CynCity
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