"“Look, I know you have to be thorough, but at this rate, by the time you’re done our only ally will be Luxembourg, Eric will be secretary of state and it’ll be illegal for me to make jokes about any of it. When someone is drowning, you throw them a life preserver, you don’t throw them a nine-part DVD series on the history of swimming.” "
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- Seth Meyers, on the pace of Robert Mueller's investigation
"“Just two years ago, Trump won this district by 20 points. Two years before that, Democrats didn’t even bother running an opponent against the Republican incumbent. You know, I’m really enjoying this radical new Democratic strategy called ‘trying.’”"
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- Samantha Bee, on Democratic candidate Conor Lamb's upset victory in Pennsylvania
" "It's sad to see them leave, but they're going to a better place: testifying for Robert Mueller." "
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- Stephen Colbert, on White House exits
"“One of the things I love about this program is that it’s the only show on television where in pretty close succession you can present an interview with [Saudi Crown Prince] Mohammad Bin Salman and Stormy Daniels.""
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- CBS News president David Rhodes, talking at INTV about 60 Minutes
"“All the crazy stuff you see in that show, Silicon Valley, the truth is a lot crazier.”"
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- Tesla and SpaceX founder Elon Musk, during a panel for HBO's Westworld at SXSW
""Netflix announced it will release over 700 original TV series and movies this year. That explains their new slogan, 'Quantity.'”"
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- Conan O'Brien
"“Both of these cults are based on fanciful myths that, when repeated enough, their otherwise intelligent followers start to believe. One says that 75 million years ago an intergalactic warlord nuked billions of people in volcanos, and then there’s the really crazy myth that guns have nothing to do with gun violence.”"
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- Samantha Bee, comparing Scientology to the NRA
"“Arie Luyendyk picked Lauren over Becca. Now Becca has mixed emotions. On one hand, she’s humiliated. But on the other hand, she doesn’t have to take the last name Luyendyk.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, on The Bachelor season finale
"“To say this is trending and blowing up on social media right now is a gross understatement.”"
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- The Bachelor host Chris Harrison, on Arie Luyendyk Jr. proposing to one woman, then dumping her for the runner-up
"“If we can work together to stop sexual harassment in the workplace, women will only have to deal with sexual harassment all the time at every other place they go.”"
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- Oscars host Jimmy Kimmel
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