"“President Trump confirmed yesterday he wants the Justice Department to pay him $230 million in compensation for its criminal investigations of him and added, ‘Any money that I would get, I would give to charity.’ Come on, man, that’s obviously just her stage name.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“It’s exactly what you voted for, coal miners in Pennsylvania.” "
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- Michael Kosta, on the White House ballroom
"“You know New Yorkers are pissed when they voluntarily come to Times Square on a weekend.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Yesterday, President Trump finally released what everyone has been asking him to release — George Santos.” "
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- "SNL's" Colin Jost
"“What? Every tech company gave Trump money? Well, fine. I don’t need those companies. I’ll do my internet searches the old-fashioned way: with a landline.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“There was some teeny-tiny progress yesterday when Grijalva got the keys to her congressional office, which seemed like a good start. But when she got there, she found it had no internet, no phone lines and no computers. Honestly? Dream office.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“The photographer for Time could not be reached for comment. He is currently en route to El Salvador.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on Time's unflattering cover photo of President Trump
"“Credit where credit is due: Donald Trump did something good. Are we still canceled?” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“It’s always a dream come true to be here. I remember watching the show in the ’70s, sitting in my house in Burlington, Massachusetts thinking, ‘I want to be an actress someday, at least until they invent an AI actress who’s funnier and willing to do full frontal.'”"
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- SNL host Amy Poehler
""This is astonishing, because if this peace holds, it means the guy who couldn’t stop a fight between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf brokered peace in the Middle East.”"
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- Josh Johnson
