""Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk but left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire.”"
- Michelle Wolf at the White House Correspondents Dinner
Quotes
"“Here’s all you need to know about Donald Trump: Bill Cosby, one of the most beloved and successful TV stars of all-time, was convicted of three counts of indecent assault today. He could very well spend the rest of his life eating pudding in prison – and that’s not even the top story of the day.”"
- Jimmy Kimmel, on President Trump's headline-grabbing Fox & Friends call
"“On an overseas trip in 2015, Jackson ‘was intoxicated and banged on the hotel room door of a female employee.’ Now, we don’t know the full story. Maybe he was just warning her that there was an aggressive, drunk doctor outside her door.” "
- Stephen Colbert about Dr. Ronny Jackson, nominated to head the Veterans Affairs Department
"“It is Trump’s first state dinner, and in a major departure from tradition, Trump will not invite Democrats or the media. It’s true, none of those people are invited. If he doesn’t like you, you will not be there. Better luck next time, vegetables.""
- Stephen Colbert
""It turns out his entire origin story was fake. This would be like finding out that Batman’s parents were never killed. They just moved to Florida.”"
- Trevor Noah, on a Washington Post story saying Donald Trump lied to make it onto the 1982 Forbes 400 list
""It shatters so much calcified pain, resentment, frustration. It just shatters it.""
- Thandie Newton to Vanity Fair, on the pay boost for her role on HBO's Westworld that gives her as much as her male co-stars
""If I had told you five years ago that we would be champing at the bit to get stories about Donald Trump’s naked, sweaty body wreaking havoc on a hotel duvet, you would have said, ‘No way. Now let’s watch Sharknado. They’re only going to make one of these.’""
- Stephen Colbert
"“Republicans in Congress are urging the F.B.I. to launch an investigation into Hillary Clinton. Man, Hillary Clinton? What did she do over two years ago now?” "
- Conan O'Brien
"“He’s tweeted at me probably 50 times. I’ve been gone for a year. I’m like a breakup he can’t get over.”"
- Former FBI director James Comey about President Trump, on The Late Show
""If this is the biggest witch-hunt in history, as they say it is, we’re running out of spots on the broomstick.""
- Jimmy Kimmel, after Sean Hannity was named as President Trump lawyer Michael Cohen's mystery client
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