Quotes

"“At this rate, Trump is going to wind up behind bars, with Giuliani visiting him and saying, ‘Don’t worry Donald, ‘prison isn’t prison’.""
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- John Oliver, on Rudy Giuliani's comment on Meet the Press that "truth isn't truth"
"“I can tell you exactly when the time is right: two weeks from now when I’m back from vacation. Not a moment before.”"
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- Stephen Colbert, on Omarosa Manigault Newman saying she has more tapes of White House officials that she will share "when the time is right"
"“Under Lloyd’s tenure, the O.R.R., an agency that is supposed to help refugees, now focuses on imprisoning them instead. That’s like if the Red Cross changed its mission from giving blood to drinking blood.""
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- Samantha Bee, on Scott Lloyd, head of the Office of Refugee Resettlement
"“Arguments at former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort’s fraud trial wrapped up today. The defense rested their case, and Manafort did not take the stand. However, he did take: a watch, three wallets and the judge’s gavel.”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“The president is back at the White House after a 10-day stay at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, N.J. Trump has now spent over a quarter of his presidency, more than 180 days, at one of his golf properties. Tiger Woods doesn’t spend that much time at golf clubs.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
" “I am looking forward to getting more than 4 hours of sleep and to break from Twitter to focus all my energy on my next 2 projects. If you need me, I’ll be on my Bat Phone.”"
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- Ruby Rose, signing off Twitter after backlash on her The CW role as Batwoman
"“The N.F.L.’s Arizona Cardinals have launched a new competition where fans can win a team jersey and get their photo on the scoreboard if they eat a burger consisting of five patties, five hot dogs, five bratwursts, eight slices of bacon, eight chicken tenders, 12 ounces of fries, lettuce, pickles, sauce and 20 slices of cheese in under an hour. Said one fan, ‘Eww — lettuce?!’”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“It’s really kind of interesting: Apparently I did such a good job hosting the Oscars this year, they’ve decided to change everything about them.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""He’s confessing to stealing from the same guy that he was committing crimes with. Like, Manafort must have been so mad — but also at the same time, so proud.”"
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- Trevor Noah
"“Over the weekend, Russia announced that actor Steven Seagal has been named a special cultural representative between Russia and the United States. The announcement was released directly to DVD.” "
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- James Corden
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