"“Amazon is planning to introduce up to eight new ‘smart’ home devices this year, including a voice-controlled microwave oven. Though if you need voice control to use a microwave, maybe you’re too drunk to eat whatever you’re asking for.”"
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- Seth Meyers
""A limited series is when a movie star hits the limit on their credit cards, and they have to do television." "
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- Emmys co-host Colin Jost, explaining the limited series category
""They've made some changes. This year it's on Monday instead of Sunday. Also this year, if your acceptance speech goes too long, Cardi B will throw her shoe at you." "
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- Ellen DeGeneres, on this year's Emmys
""Tickets for tonight’s show were free, so if you paid for those on the street outside, I’m sorry and welcome to New York City.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, during Tonight Show's live broadcast from Central Park
"“Amazon is going to sell Christmas trees this year. Live seven-foot Christmas trees will be available this holiday season. It’s not enough that Amazon’s putting every store out of business, now they’re going after the vacant stores’ parking lots, too.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“In meat-related news, a man bought a Slim Jim for his dog and a lottery ticket, and won $10 million. Now that he’s rich, he can use that money to pay doctors to resuscitate the dog.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“How do you even know if Elon Musk is high? Because even when he’s sober he’s like, ‘You know what we should do? We should go to Mars.’” "
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- Trevor Noah, after the Tesla founder appeared to be smoking marijuana during a webcast
""Today's resolution will benefit all shareholders, allowing us to focus on the business of running CBS - and transforming it for the future.""
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- National Amusements' Shari Redstone, after the announcement that Les Moonves is exiting CBS, and National Amusements will not pursue a merger of CBS and Viacom for at least two years
"“I saw that Starbucks recently opened its first store in Italy. And this is weird: Over there, the sizes are small, medium and large.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""The day we learn Trump secretly works out, and reads Shakespeare, and teaches kids how to code – that’s when we call it a bombshell.”"
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- Trevor Noah, suggesting the NY Times' anonymous editorial about President Trump isn't so shocking
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