"“Navy officials confirmed this week that 14 sailors from the nuclear reactor department of the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan will face disciplinary action in connection to LSD abuse. One sailor said it was the worst thing to happen to him since Ronald Reagan came back to life, jumped over a rainbow and dunked a basketball on him.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“According to The New York Times, President Trump hosted a small reception with his friends tonight to watch the election results — from 2016.”"
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- Seth Meyers
""By not being Ted Cruz, Beto is still a winner.""
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- Stephen Colbert, on Sen. Ted Cruz's victory over Beto O'Rourke
""In America's ongoing bitter divorce, the big question is 'Who's getting the House?'""
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- Stephen Colbert
"“The Big Bang Theory for me was about people who didn’t fit in, who want to fit in, who want to participate in life but don’t know how.That’s a story worth telling.”"
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- Chuck Lorre
"“Get this: Mexico’s Supreme Court just ruled that a ban on legal weed is unconstitutional. Which explains why a giant caravan of Americans is now making its way towards Mexico.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“A man in New Hampshire recently broke a record for the largest pumpkin grown in North America, weighing in at over 2,500 pounds. Which means the previous record-holder for the world’s largest pumpkin now has to rethink his entire life.” "
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- James Corden
""This year, the campaigns have been dominated by fear and just really terrible, heartbreaking events. That's why for Halloween, instead of decorating my house with witches and goblins, I just hung up newspapers.""
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- Stephen Colbert
"“This weekend, Donald Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House. Kids were excited because they met the president, while Trump was excited because he thinks he met Captain America.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
""Is it weird that my ballot was in Russian?""
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- Conan O'Brien
