"“It was quite a moving sight to see the presidents and the first ladies in the front row, waiting to honor President Bush, chatting comfortably with one another. Until Trump showed up, and then it became silent-staring time. Donald Trump is the only person in the world who can bring down a funeral.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Amtrak is looking for people to ride their trains and post about it on social media with the hashtag #takemethere. It’s better than Greyhound’s hashtag, #astrangerissleepingonmeandthedriverisgone.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“A couple visiting New York from England this weekend got help from the N.Y.P.D., recovering an engagement ring after it was dropped through a grate in Times Square during the proposal. Said the woman, ‘Oh, thank God. Now I can finally say no.’”"
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- Seth Meyers
""When Chip and Joanna Gaines left HGTV, it sucked all the air out of my lungs.”"
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- Discovery CEO David Zaslav, on the Fixer Upper stars
""Our goal is the endless scroll; by the time you’ve reached the bottom of our menu, there are new shows at the top and thus the singularity will be achieved.”"
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- SNL parody of a Netflix ad
"“With all the people involved, the Mueller investigation can be hard to follow sometimes. It’s like Game of Thrones, but without the nudity, thank God.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“I actually believe [Ivanka Trump] when she said that she wasn’t using her private account for important work emails. Because in order to have important work emails, you have to do important work....Her email inbox is probably just Goop newsletters and thousands of unopened emails from Eric.”"
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- Trevor Noah
"“The C.D.C. says it’s now safe to eat romaine lettuce, as long as it’s not from central California. When people asked how to tell if the lettuce is from that area, officials said, ‘Well, eat it and see what happens.’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“L.L. Bean was 20 percent off with the code THANKS20. The Gap was 50 percent off with the code CYBER. And Kohl’s was free with the code PLEASE TAKE THIS CRAP OFF OUR HANDS.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, on Cyber Monday sales
""Big Little Lies reached probably further than any other thing I’ve ever done and the response that I’ve had from people, particularly women, is wider than anything I’ve done.""
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- Oscar winner Nicole Kidman, at a BAFTA event
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